Crock A Block Full Vol. 1: Ten Ways to Excite Your Stoneware
Posted on March 15th, 2011
1. Bernard, the hound that roams our halls most often, has a fetching wardrobe of carefully crafted merino sweaters for every conceivable social occasion. Why must crockery go bare? We suggest smoking jackets, tailored to fit the smooth contours of your pickle jar.
2. McGillivray’s Outer Hebrides Crock Lubricant: Stoat Strength.
3. M. LeRoi’s sainted Aunt Madeleine convinced the parish council to hold a yearly ‘Running of the Crocks’ in the village of Dingle-on-Stickle, Cambricshire. We jogged ours a few times around the office, and found it most invigorating.
4. Should pickling prove to ‘not be your thing’: chestnut bolus. Yes.
5. We tire of kombucha. We are drinking brinewater.
6. The Polish have the clever art of Wycinanki, or decorative paper cutting–Tilden has invented ‘crock tossing’. The chips land where they may, but the art of it is incontrovertible.
7. Careful research has unearthed evidence of the predecessor of that time-honored party trope, ‘Spin the Bottle’: ‘Cradle the Crock’. As far as we can make out, the goal of this enterprise was not furtive groping, but, rather, early instruction in the tender art of newborn handling. We trust that you’ll find a way to make it otherwise, dear readers.
8. Porter’s Porcelain Pickle Dervish: Pull-chain sold separately.
9. The winters are long and cold, on the Dover Coast. The crocks are warm and round. The women–indifferent and potato-shaped.
10. Crock pantomime. Puppets may be lighter, but, this is the shape of the New Theater of the Mind.