Gentle reader:

Herein find a selection of beer-wit happily recalled over the course of a long week end when the author’s wife was out of town. I present them here in an order which reflects the same discipline that guided my choice of beers to sample between the years 1978 and 1982. I make no claims as to their origins, just that I know I heard them someplace.

Clear as beer piss: self-evident; abundantly clear, metaphorically referring to the near lack of color in urine produced after drinking more than a six pack.

Beer Goggles: metaphorical; relating to changes in judgment concerning physical beauty and sexual attraction of potential human bed partners resulting from the ingestion of mass quantities of beer. As in: “Zounds, Vandelay! You seemed to have brought that homely inflatable doll home from the Throckmorton’s party last night. I’d say you must have donned your beer goggles, what?”

Beerberg: the name given to the ice that sometimes forms and floats atop a frosty mug of beer. Not to be confused with “beerburg” which invariably refers to Munich Germany.

Bill Whooten Piss: Slang for a very fine, light lager produced in the same town claiming to be the birthplace of Bill Whooten, my college roommate: Latrobe Pennsylvania.

“I remember my first beer…” : Sarcasm, meant to denote a negative judgment about behavior seen as regrettable, ridiculous, foolish, sophomoric. What you would say if you came upon your friend while they were in the commission of an epic fail.

Beer belly: anatomical. The expansion of the waistline beyond all reasonable proportions in reference to the legs and upper torso caused by the accrual of fat due to ingestion of bucket loads of beer over the course of a decade or about 18 months in certain northern plain states.

Beer fart: metabolic. The drunken, sonorous, sometimes explosive and always – purposely – public passing of noxious gas that has less to do with digestive processes and their byproducts and more to do with changes in judgment concerning what constitutes humor.

“Like sex in a canoe:” sarcasm, possibly Cleesian in origin but purported to be an Australian commentary on the inferior quality of American beer: “It’s like sex in a canoe, mate – too close to water!”

Beer taxi: altered consciousness resulting in an imaginary mode of transport. After a night of heavy beer drinking waking up sprawled out on the floor of the Hammond Indiana bus terminal with no idea of how you arrived there: must have been the beer taxi!

Beertastrophe: 1 any accident or act of terrorism that results in the destruction of perfectly good beer. 2: judgment: term sometimes applied to mass-produced crap beers.

Beertard: someone who cannot tell the difference between a good beer and crap beer.

“Beer Tick” – entomological: the guy who, six beers into his evening, begins a series of repeated attempts to attach himself to any of the women present in a bar.

We welcome further additions to the growing (and necessary) Terms of Enbeerment Dictionary, forthcoming from Poor Choices Press Ltd.  Submissions may be written down on the backs of coasters and/or damp napkins and left in restrooms, to be collected at a future date.