A Literary Feast

It’s Not You, It’s Me or Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Posted on February 14th, 2013

Sometimes the reason you can no longer enjoy something is not because it is no longer available to you, or that it has changed in any way, but simply because you no longer enjoy it. Sometimes it’s true: it’s not you it’s me.

So it is with me and soft-serve dip. I have many great memories of enjoying a soft-serve ice cream cone with a quick-hardened shell. As a child my family would take me to an ice-cream stand specializing in dip, with more flavors than I have ever seen offered anywhere else. It was a long-standing tradition–if memory serves me correctly, my grandmother had gone there as a child. We would go in the dead heat of summer when I couldn’t eat my cone faster than it could melt, but also at the very beginning and end of the season when the wind made it so cold you would question why you were standing outside eating ice cream. But we were there to enjoy as much of this seasonal tradition as possible. It was a simple treat unequivocally enjoyed by the whole family.

The menu board in the window was complete with colorful and adorably personified cartoon cones that looked like they were drawn before my grandmother enjoyed her first dipped cone. Each color cone represented a different flavor of dip. The combinations seemed endless: chocolate ice cream with peanut butter dip, twist ice cream with strawberry dip, vanilla ice cream with butterscotch dip, twist ice cream with coconut dip, chocolate ice cream with cherry dip, classic vanilla ice cream with chocolate dip…etc.

I loved the first bite—the very tip of the swirled cone—the most; it had the highest dip to ice cream ratio. I loved the way the ice cream would start to melt and drip out of the tiniest hole in the coating. I loved the first bite of the wafer cone that was soggy with ice cream and had the last bit of dip attached to it. So what I experienced one summer while looking to satisfy a nostalgia craving came as quite a shock.

The first bite was repulsive. It was like a mouth full of wax so grainy with sugar I thought my teeth would fall out. I couldn’t chew it, I couldn’t swallow it, and it certainly wasn’t going to melt—in my mouth or in the 100+ degree weather. Dip abides; it stood up as the ice cream melted from within and the cone underneath sagged with moisture. I started to think maybe I had dip from a decade ago lingering in my body, since it seemed impossible to destroy. I’d like to say that after this experience I never ordered a dip cone again, but I cannot. I want so badly to enjoy it like I do in my memories that I still order one every now and again, hoping to recapture the experience I remember. I don’t know what is different–the dip is the same, and my palate isn’t so matured that I can’t enjoy other seemingly revolting childhood favorites like candy corn. (My love of candy corn is a topic for another day.) I feel somehow that the dip betrays my memories, but I know it’s actually me. Perhaps one day soon I will just order sprinkles. I do still love sprinkles.

Rax Redux

Posted on February 14th, 2013

Goodbye, Uncle Al. You attended all of my first six birthday parties, and we had a blast. I thought you’d never pass away until the end of things, some Jesus of the roast beef restaurant. But you left, and it hurt. Well, I swear I never loved you anyway–good riddance, you old damn reptile.

I used the water bottle you gave me all the way into middle school. It sweated mercilessly on hot days, one more awkward accoutrement to prevent me from feeling comfortable in gym class. There were the double-layered nylon shorts (I still don’t know if they ever did fit), the deodorant from Big Lots–Jovan White Musk for Men, and your stupid, oversized “Rax” water bottle.

“Rax,” Uncle Al? Really? What kind of a name is that for a restaurant? But I did love your roast beef sandwiches–better than Arby’s and whoever else’s. I’d coat them with ketchup like I also coated my fries.

And you did, like I said, liven up my first few birthday parties. I appreciate it. But then you left, like so many people have left. All I have now is a home-recorded VHS to prove you were there. It was filmed by a friend’s dad, whose fingernails were long & grimy enough that I wasn’t surprised when he left the family for a woman he’d met online. He wasn’t invited to his son’s wedding, much to everyone’s relief. The son teaches high school chemistry in Cleveland now, happily married, all grown up. But you, I thought you’d never go.

Well, Uncle Al, I’ve discovered that you’ve still got a Rax on Route 68, outside of Bellefontaine. So it’s not that you’re gone, you’ve just gone away. I suppose we all need to leave at some point–at least those of us who are different.

I hope you’ve found a place where you feel at ease just being your alligator self. I hope you’re somewhere you’re unafraid to feel happy in, Uncle Al. If you are, you’ll be happy to hear that I am, too. And that, while I still appreciate the times we shared, I’ve surrendered them to the past. No nostalgia can retrieve them now, I know. They’re gone, you’re gone, and I too have left the place we knew together. Goodbye, Uncle Al, you alligator mascot with your roast beef restaurants. And thanks for the memories.

Many Ingenious Lovely Things

Posted on February 14th, 2013

One of the saddest things about the end of the world—and I’m not being nearly as sarcastic as you think I am—is that one by one, every manufactured food product you used to love will cease to exist. Forever.

I’m not talking about the eventual extinction of all things good and wholesome: a fell blight on kale, cutworms leveling the last tomato. An ecological catastrophe on this scale would flush us out with the rest of the bathwater. Mercifully.

Because really, who wants to go living in a world without comforting brand-name garbage? Just months ago, nightmare fiction turned horribly real as the final Twinkies vanished from gas stations nationwide. It left me scarred. (You too?) An illusion of permanence, shattered. I didn’t even like Twinkies—but I like the absence of Twinkies less. It casts a cold light on things. What will follow down the dim trail of the snack cake? Cool whip? Cheez whiz? What will we find we never wanted to learn to live without?

Food isn’t sound, or color, or shaped stone. Unlike our other cultural achievements we cannot preserve it. Maybe for a time, in an oxygen-free environment, temperature-controlled. But not forever. Sooner or later mold creeps in, or moisture creeps out, or flavor compounds break down, or sugars ferment into some marriage of vinegar and embalming fluid. Ask anyone who’s tasted ancient wine from a shipwreck. (I haven’t.) Even the Twinkie doesn’t (didn’t?) keep forever. And if it did, we still would have gobbled up the final specimens before forever rolled around.

This means that the great foods of the past really are gone forever. We stand a better chance of recovering the works of Sappho from the back of a pastry shop than we do of recovering any actual pastries, even if the pâtissier whose ghost haunts the kitchen was one of the world’s great artists.

I have my own pet nightmare. It settles into my dreams every year as the first nip of fall stains the air. (Only in spring do I have the critical distance necessary to write about it.) After willfully and happily ignoring the product’s existence for all of my adult life and the latter half of my childhood, I was afflicted not long ago by a sudden and acute craving for Boo Berry cereal. Admit it: you know what I’m talking about. Crunchy wads of purplish corn shaped like malformed ghosts. Flavorless marshmallows that achieve the texture of fish eggs the moment they touch milk. It tastes of nothing and tints your insides green, and after twenty years I needed a fix.

Boo Berry and its brethren, Franken Berry and Count Chocula, are rare examples of endangered food products. Usually your favorite horrors go like the Twinkie: quietly, in the night. The General Mills Monster Cereals, on the other hand, are readily available, but only in season. (I think you know which season. It isn’t Valentine’s Day.) I can imagine a year in which they simply don’t return. September, October—then November, and no more hope. Scour the back shelves of the Circle K. Root through your neighbors’ garages. All in vain.

It has happened before.

Three Monster Cereals survive today, but what a stroll through the grocery store won’t tell you is that there were once two others. A deranged cartoon werewolf advertised Fruit Brute, an unlikely afterbirth of the disco era. Its flavor, ostensibly, was “fruit,” and its marshmallows tasted of lime. The combination, a sort of tie-dye for the tongue, didn’t survive the cultural pressures of the ’80s, and Fruit Brute disappeared forever just as Michael Jackson’s Thriller hit the top of the charts. Its successor, Fruity Yummy Mummy, crawled from the tomb in 1987, again “fruit” flavored but now with an ambiguously Jamaican mummy (?) as its avatar, whose song-and-dance routine I recommend you watch immediately. Its success was limited, and Fruity Yummy Mummy left this world around the same time as Kurt Cobain (with whom I intend no comparison).

Boo, Franken, and the Count remain, but who knows for how long. They have enough of a cult following that the final sealed boxes will draw hefty sums on eBay long after General Mills pulls the plug on their rusted assembly line. There will come a day with no Count Chocula, a day when the final boxes, rat-gnawed and oxidized, are tossed aside by some fastidious looter in the wake of uranium, zombies, or smallpox. It won’t be the greatest of our worries, but it might not be the least.

So this Valentine’s Day, take a moment to relish the tooth-breaking mis-struck message hearts, the strawberry crème flavored dipped marshmallow chicks, the Cadbury Cream Eggs announcing springtime. Think on a world without them, and be glad it isn’t this one—yet.

(But still, best not to eat any.)

Mi Amore

Posted on February 14th, 2013

I had big soup plans. Feeling very grown up at 19, in my own apartment in the city with a brand new crock pot, I was going to make my mom’s vegetable soup. This was the kind of dish that carried a family legacy. My mom would make it every Monday throughout the long New England winters I grew up in. It would slow cook all day, simmering until the house was a humid bouillon sauna that each family member arrived home to, stomping the snow off our boots and unwrapping scarves to breathe in the moist, salty air. If you weren’t hungry yet – which after school, yearbook, flute lessons, and (in my dad’s case) construction work that was often unheated or simply outside – one inhale of that soup was all it took. We’d load bowls with shredded cheese and slices of hearty bread drowned in tender vegetables and tawny broth. Conversation was generally limited to how delicious it all was. Trying out adulthood years later, after my parents’ divorce, several moves, and both my sister and I leaving home, I was determined to recreate the soup that so encapsulated my memory of being young.
I called my mother. It went something like this:

ME: I want to make the vegetable soup you always made when we were kids. Can you send me the recipe?
MOM: Recipe? I dunno, I just threw the vegetables and some bouillon cubes in and turned it on.
ME: But what vegetables? How much? What did you use for seasoning? I want to make it just like you always did.
MOM: Seasoning?

You know those women who learn how to make their Italian grandmother’s secret tomato sauce recipe? How it has secret ingredients and tricky steps and when she’s teaching it to you, she leans in and whispers, “this, mi amore, is the most important part: you must always, always…” and then you master the sauce and teach it to your daughter and maybe write a bestselling inter-generational cookbook/memoir that receives critical acclaim? Yeah. That wasn’t going to happen to me.

It was a startling realization that, at 19, I had already surpassed both my mother’s interest and skill in the kitchen. I felt like I had been raised in a family that cooked. Like, cooked. There just had to be a wealth of dishes for me to learn, teach, and go to my grave making; however, the more I thought about it, the more I had to admit that my mother had fed us – and fed us well – but was simply not harboring a clandestine culinary heritage. The signs were all there. I remember my father (a self-identified breakfast-only chef) trying to make vegetable soup in his awkward attempts to feed us during the early days of my parents’ separation. He put dill in it under the perfectly reasonable assumption that soup needed seasoning, poor man, and we spooned our bowls that night both acutely aware it was Not Like Mom Makes It.

Now, living alone, my mother rarely cooks just for herself and buys things like diced vegetables and bags of frozen, pre-cooked rice. This baffles both my sister and I, who emerged into maturity with a love of messing around in the kitchen. We email each other recipes, give each other tips, and squeal over the release of our favorite food blogger’s new cookbook. We were raised in the kitchen, after all, helping make dinner, be it pasta, pizza, or salad. My mother may not have had a particular talent or passion for cooking but she was dedicated to raising a family that cooked and ate just like we did everything else: with integrity, humor, and each other. My sister and I were molded in that kitchen, as much as any bear-shaped birthday cake (ages 5-9); and learned the importance of responsibility, teamwork, and measuring. One loaf of banana bread where you’ve put in 2 tablespoons of baking soda instead of 2 teaspoons and you’ll never forget the importance of measuring, I promise. In the end, what I remember most about our family meals was not the perfect airiness of the cakes we made or the delicate spicing of the sauces, it’s the time we spent at the table, eating together.

I made the soup and it was delicious but, if we’re being perfectly honest, I probably won’t make it again. It’s a little boring, you see. These days I go in for things like curry, frittata, and scones. I have a decked out spice shelf and am delighted to try new ingredients. When I make soup, you’ll probably see me scanning the cupboards and muttering, “now, what else can I put in this? Artichoke hearts? Is that weird or delicious?” The illusion may be broken, but it did its job: I cook. My mother loves it. She often asks if I want to have dinner and more times than not she says, “and you’re cooking, right?” These days, I think, my mother is more than happy to sit back and eat the rewards of her labor.

Gone, Fishing.

Posted on February 14th, 2013

A storm has started outside.

The air is growing white as the breath of it picks up speed. The space heater by my feet churns in a loud hum. Two birds cut the sky through the window, here in this yolk-yellow aerie above Haywood Street. It is my job, for this year, to keep this gambrel-roofed house in one piece. Somewhere south and west, in a winter-dark river, is an eel weir. It is at least a century old. The wind is pushing billows past the glass, long plumes of cold. On a map of the current weather, I can see that my hill town and that other river sit roughly in the same deep purple band of snow. I wonder about the work that will face the weir’s steward when the days turn warm again. Re-stacking stone. Replacing what was lost to water, and wind. Work that paces beyond a single turn of the year—across seasons. Through bloodlines. That passes from fact into story, and back again.

The steward’s name is Ray Turner. The book where I found him was James Prosek’s—simply titled Eels. For weeks now its facts and denizens have been making their way into my conversations and thoughts, and friends have been patient with my growing case of fish-specific mention-itis. Eels can live to be one hundred years old. Eel writhes in a pan while it’s being cooked. Freshwater eels begin and end in the sea, but spend their lives elsewhere, in riparian exile, waiting. That last fact causes a close friend to say that she can see why I’ve been drawn to this animal–”you’re always in a state of waiting to be somewhere else”. But, I say, eels are patient. And I am not.

Yes, she points out, but you could both wear a shirt that reads ‘Eventually I Will Leave You For The Ocean’.

What I can’t seem to stop thinking about are the dualities of this fish. It can live in rivers and oceans, but at the last, needs the greater wildness of the sea to survive. It will circle, solitary as a stray punctuation mark through dark water, biding its time—and then, moved by forces we can only guess at, will travel across land (land!) to reach the shore. I picture an undulating, multi-feathered wave of black shapes through night grasses in France. A fish whose single syllable hiss is the beginning of my own middle name, Elin. Something resolutely other—a willful mystery in the face of scientific scrutiny.

“They’re kind of gross. We’re talking about eels, right? Slimy? Like snakes? They even sound creepy. Eeeeeeel.” Another friend, over drinks.

And there it is. The sharp edge of otherness. And the danger of names.

When I finished Prosek’s book, reading all the way through to the tail end of the acknowledgements, I noticed that he’d originally conceived of the work as a more culinary-focused adventure. Recipes for eel cookery across the globe. It had gone elsewhere, as writing projects will, but, now I was curious about that first idea. I’d recently finished reading an article by Elizabeth Kolbert in the New Yorker about the Oostvaardersplassen in the Netherlands—a wilderness, as she puts it, “that was…constructed, Genesis-like, from the mud”. Part of an initial vanguard of ‘re-wilding’ experiments in remote corners of Europe, this space whose proposed intent was a recreation of a prehistoric landscape has been fraught with controversy—but, the article noted, has gained support from corners who are chiefly curious about the expanded dining options afforded by the organized rebirth of various ‘lost’ species. We most want to save, I wrote in a journal that night, what we want to eat. More duality—the effort of species rescue, for the purpose of killing and consuming the beast snatched from the brink of extinction, or hauled howling from the genetic vault via the back-breeding of its modern descendants. Could it, I scribbled, work for the eel?

Because, you see, the eel is in danger. When James agreed to talk with me about his book for this issue, I’d mostly thought to ask him about traveling and that initial impulse to collect eel recipes. But, my project, too, went its own way, and instead, among other things, we talked about extinction—and the danger of specific language for unspecific things.

The freshwater eel, he explained to me, needs a critical population mass in order to reproduce. As they work to return to their spawning grounds in the Sargasso Sea, one theory is that there must be enough of them migrating to etch some kind of signature in the water, for the others to follow. A saline songline. Faced with man-made obstructions in the form of hydroelectric dams in rivers across the globe, whose turbines are as so many guillotines strung across the water, eels are, instead, ending elsewhere. They are extraordinarily long-lived, but, can’t wait forever. And when the call comes to return, for so many now, it means death miles inland, the journey unfinished. Unlike the Edenic experiments of the Oostvaardersplassen, it also won’t simply be a matter of genetic back-stepping until the extinct creature rises ghost-like from the molecular ashes. “It’s not like you can save just one breeding pair, “ James, says, “and bring them back. They’ll just be gone.”

Part of the reason for this is that so little is actually known about the reproductive cycle of the eel, right on down to the precise location of the spawning grounds. Adults have, as Prosek notes, finally been seen and captured close to where the smallest eel larvae have been taken—but so much of how they come to be there, how they mate, and why they travel so very far to do so remains a mystery. What isn’t, is that they are declining sharply, around the globe. And that we have no means of artificially rebuilding them, for lack of a better word, as of yet. Efforts have been, and are being made, to breed eels in captivity—stymied, at this stage in the game, by not being able to artificially recreate the precise mixture of marine particles that eel larvae feed on—a detritus called “marine snow”. While the breeding grounds remain an elusive, unfixed point, so does the nature of the food sources available there, at the exact time that they are needed.

This brought us into a discussion about James’ current project, a book about the nature of names, and naming. When I speculate about whether or not an eel would, to bastardize Shakespeare, perhaps smell sweeter if it had a different name, Prosek talks about the difficulties inherent in the human need to categorize nature in order to understand it. And how things like eels, that are, in some senses, neither here nor there—a fish that resembles a snake, who lives in rivers but returns to the sea, whose gender evolution, even, remains murky until a certain age—exist outside of a space that will make us comfortable with them. For him, and, for me, this is what makes them fascinating—in a world where so much essential mystery is daily being chipped away at, it feels all the more important to work to preserve those things that activate our collective wonder. “We always want specific language for things, in order to have a way to control nature, or to try to control it”, he remarks, “and control isn’t necessarily the point. It isn’t, ultimately, something we can control.”

As outdoorspeople and writers, we agree that we’re both conscious of the irony of our own need to name and record, with Prosek going so far as to call his writing more a compulsion than an expression, at times—and the frustration of attempting to translate the visceral into narrative. But also that it is in this duality of language that someone might be able to inspire an impulse to save a creature, where the science of names has not. When I ask him if, as both a painter and a writer, one art form feels more immediate than the other—a better way to translate the untranslatable, so to speak, that occurs in nature, Prosek doesn’t have a ready answer. Both, he thinks, are always chasing after the ghost of the original experience—but painting feels somewhat more personal. His own painting history intertwines with his fishing history so intimately because, he notes, (as he has here, as well) that we observe most closely that which we love, or, as hunters, that which sustains us. Referencing a passage in Izaak Walton’s Compleat Angler, which was, quite famously now, the subject of Prosek’s senior thesis while at Yale, he says that he likes to think that there was a reason Jesus chose to make fishermen his apostles—they are keen observers of the daily shifting face of nature. They know what their streams and rivers look like, in all of their moods, every weather—when the fish rise, when the mayflies hatch, the thousand details of rock and water. When something, even something slight, changes, they see it. “You figure, if you’re going to be performing miracles, you’d want an audience that would recognize them as miracles in the first place.” In other words, God is daily scattering the bright crumbs of miracle before us. It is our job, in whatever way we can, to pay attention, as closely as we are able. And to say what we have seen—word or brush. Language can’t be, and in our shared opinion at least, shouldn’t be used as a means to control nature—that is futile, and leaves little breathing room for the miraculous. But it can be used, however humbly, as a critical sustaining mass—a bright signature against the dimming waters of our collective forgetting.

Prosek recounts the powerful experiences that he had in both New Zealand and on the Micronesian island of Pohnpei where, through story, the eel exists both as an animal and as a spiritual entity. His time in New Zealand, in particular, echoes that aforementioned notion that we most closely observe that which sustains us—on those far-flung islands, eel is both revered, and eaten. It is at once profane and sublime. Daily meal, and demon legend. Kept alive, he notes, both in our conversation and in his book, through the telling and retelling of stories, where words aren’t used to limit an understanding of a creature, only to expand it—to keep mystery alive, in the face of the mundane. Yes, this is the stuff of a weekend barbecue—but some part of it lives outside of cognitive regularity, and keeps us hungry for the unseen.

Some echo of this surfaces in my own life when, in a stray post on Facebook, (the great modern collective unconscious) I mention my growing appreciation for the unique mystery of the eel. My Aunt Rachel, who helped induct me into quahogging as chronicled here, writes to tell me that she has a story for me, about my grandpa catching an eel in Long Pond.

When I read Eels, and, while I’ve been thinking about this article, my grandfather has been much on my mind. In fact, it was a stray remark in an article that Prosek had written for Garden & Gun magazine that ultimately prompted me to email him, asking for an interview—he’d mentioned fishing on Cuttyhunk. An island that my grandpa had known well, and visited often. My grandpa was a fisherman—and, much like the apostles, and countless anglers before him, a keen and close observer, cataloging the mysteries, such as they were, in the waters off of Wareham, MA.

In college, during that first year away, he wrote me letters. The folded pages contained, in addition to his bold black script, small sketches of sea birds. Stray drawings of mussels. What the tide had done that day—the weather and its movements. Sunrise, and sunset. Sometimes, there’d also be a photograph—early dawn, over the pond. Or the sun, burning itself out in Buzzard’s Bay. Unhappy at a school that I would later leave, deep into an upstate New York winter, I’d take these missives with me to my job in the biology department, where I worked alone maintaining the research plants and animals. I fed large aquariums of fish in dimly lit, empty laboratories. Monitored the health of rare toads. Cleaned a walk-in cage containing hundreds of fluttering canaries. And left, as always, the greenhouse for last, where I’d perch on a half-broken stool in the balmy heat, strip off my winter layers, and read about the goings-on of far-off waters.

My outdoor mania, at that time, was for backpacking, not fishing. But my grandpa and I had always been kindred spirits in the way that we found our greatest peace in time alone, spent outdoors. He was a Pisces, and came from seafaring stock. From my conception on the shores of a pond in Miles Standish State Forest during a thunderstorm until now, my parents have always joked that I must be part fish. He was, and I still am, forever restless for water.

When I thought about what James had said, about eels needing a critical mass of themselves in order to survive, I thought also about the ways in which people persist or are scattered by gravity, by biochemistry, by time, and by losing that critical functional accumulation of all three. How I have inherited my grandpa’s pull towards the open sea and his resulting slightly unfixed quality, as though some part of him was never fully with you—but, haven’t, and cannot inherit, all that he knew about the waters that he fished near his home, now that I have come to fish them. That personal, intimate extinction is a small reflection of the greater—we too, need a critical mass in order to survive. Of breath. Of atoms. Of magnetic pulls. And unseen chemistries. To disregard the blank horror of any animal facing its own end is to be out of charity with yourself. No matter your number of limbs, or lack thereof. No matter your name, or the sound of its syllables.

So, when I call my aunt, and ask her to tell me the eel story, it is in part some small effort to add a thin, wavering tributary to the greater channel of eel lore. And when she recounts the surprise, the mystery, and the ‘bloody blue murder’ she screamed when my grandpa pulled an arm-fat eel from a placid summer pond, I hear other voices too, cataloging the ancient interplay between edible and ethereal. I bear witness to her recounting of my grandfather hacking the head off of a freshwater eel with a large knife against the side of the canoe, blood running down into the water, and the great body twisting against his arm. It invisibly stitches itself to the current of the printed stories that I have read, and the other voices that told them, on islands thousands of miles distant from that Massachusetts pond.

I can’t sit in the old red canoe and hear my grandfather tell me how he knows the hidden geography of that one small pond. That way is shut. James Prosek can’t make eels resemble puppies, or be any less ‘other’ than what they simply are. What he and I can do, in greater and smaller ways, is to tell stories. To let language be the critical number by which mystery multiplies, as faithfully as our abilities allow. We can chronicle the miraculous, as best we know how, and hope that others nearby will see the miracles too.

Joan Didion said that ‘we tell ourselves stories in order to live’. This is true when I carry my grandpa’s fishing rod and remembered words down to the water with me, and repeat them here, across the electronic ether. It is true when James writes, with haunting detail, about a man who believes it his life’s privilege to work at the slow, yearly rebuilding of an ancient weir. Let it also be true for a lean sentence of fish, fighting to make their way back to the sea—let them live. Let them persist. One word at a time.

 

 

(ed: James Prosek’s documentary, based on his book Eels, airs on the PBS program Nature on April 17th at 8pm.)

Wild Goose Chase, Resolved.

Posted on January 21st, 2013

It does not have to be good

You do not have to wok a hundred chiles

Through immolation on your knees, weeping.

You have only to let the soft loaf of your body

eat what it eats.

Tell me how you prepare, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the dinner goes on.

Meanwhile Fieri and the clogged icons of the airways

are chewing across the landscapes

over the squeeze bottles and the deep freeze

the pizzas and the poppers.

Meanwhile the Achatz, high in the Alinead air

is making foams again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lowly,

the farm offers itself to your imagination,

fat with wild beets, fibrous and exciting–

over and over announcing your place

in the plating of things.

Ambitious Kitchen 2013: A Resolution for a Better You

Posted on January 21st, 2013

“What keeps me going is goals.” – Muhammad Ali

“What keeps me going is the perfect balance of coffee and hard liquor.” – Heather Arndt Anderson

 

  1. Aim for improved household economy by employing 19th-century domestic science. First step: monthly menu planning using a good old-fashioned bill of fare. Note to self: include more burritos and fewer veal brains than 19th-century bills of fare.
  2. Still on the fence about this whole “gluten” thing. Just in case, bake and consume at least one loaf of bread every week. You know, for the sake of science.
  3. Try a new recipe once a week. Instead of the internet, use one of the million or so cookbooks you already own. Note to self: resist urge to dropkick three year-old when he declares “I need noodles” instead of whatever you’ve prepared. Take the opportunity to learn from his wisdom. Don’t we all, in fact, need noodles?
  4. In keeping with proper Montessori protocol, teach three year-old how to fix his own damn breakfast. Show him how to properly poach an egg, then we can move on to Hollandaise. Because man, his eggs benny are terrible.
  5. Try a new lactoferment from the book of that exquisitely mustachioed Sandor Katz.. Do not ever attempt to lackadaisically pickle radishes again, unless you want your house to smell like the crack of a gym sock’s ass.
  6. Give charcuterie another shot. You know you can do better than corned beef that tastes like hot dogs. Scratch that – make your own hot dogs.
  7. Finally turn that rusty, behemoth grill out back into the smoker you’ve always wanted. Resist the urge to throw your broody hen in there when she stops laying for the tenth time.
  8. Identify and eliminate obstacles in your path to culinary enlightenment. Note to self: learn how to smoke a whole chicken.

On Eating, 2013

Posted on January 21st, 2013

  1. Drink more water.
  2. Make stronger effort to take out the compost before third overflow bowl is necessary.
  3. Find tote bag large enough to smuggle the really big bag of Little Lad’s Herbal Corn into movie theater.
  4. Redeem self after “seared” tuna incident.
  5. Achieve automation with popovers. Like, going into oven while coffee brews automation.
  6. Memorize Food Network daytime schedule in order to plan strategic hanging out with grandma time. Aim for Paula Deen; avoid Rachel Ray.
  7. Continue to liberate phyto-brothers and sisters from the tyranny of corporate quality standards.
  8. Experiment with nettles.
  9. Buy second suction-cup soap dish shelf to put wine glass on in the shower.
  10. Also use it for coffee mug.
  11. Arrive home to aproned boyfriend just putting dinner on the table.
  12. Don’t kill this year’s potted herbs.
  13. Contribute to chocolate drawer (labeled “Emergency Teacher Supplies”) at work.
  14. Get carrot tattoo.
  15. Rediscover version of self that makes it to the farmer’s market every week. Recruit absurdly pastoral harvest basket if necessary.

14a. Get knives sharpened.

14b. Keep all fingers.

  1. Finally make that tequila and rosé cocktail.
  2. Investigate reports that kohlrabi is worth the time.
  3. Host more tea parties.
  4. Muster nerve to make complicated, multi-gnash chocolate peanut butter cake for sister’s birthday.
  5. Procure at least one plate large enough to wear the title of “dinner” without irony.
  6. Make an honest woman out of ginger.
  7. Find use for leftover jar of pickled cherry brine in back of fridge.
  8. Identify grains on shelf of unlabeled bulk bags with slightly less than a serving left in them.
  9. Stop pretending that anyone likes pumpkin butter.
  10. Continue to eat popcorn for dinner when no one else is home.
  11. Drink more water.

Kitchen Resolutions 2013

Posted on January 21st, 2013

  1. Make something irresistible with quinoa
  2. Rediscover beets…including golden
  3. Attempt making whole rye bread
  4. Have the patience to unpeel all those tiny shallots from CSA share
  5. Eat more popcorn
  6. Make dairy free toffee
  7. Eat the fruit you purchase, thoughts of eating it will not impart any health benefits

Resolutions for Inveterate Foodies — 2013 Worksheet (please print)

Posted on January 21st, 2013

In the year 2013, I resolve to . . . (check at least 3)

 

___ . . . be nicer to people who drink blended Scotch.

 

___ . . . admit that sour cream can substitute for crème fraîche.

 

___ . . . stop insisting that gastropubs are “over.”

 

___ . . . learn to say “grass fed” without smugly narrowing eyes and smirking.

 

___ . . . eat quinoa less ostentatiously.

 

___ . . . accept that waitresses may not know the exact latitude & longitude of the dollar oysters’ home waters.

 

___ . . . refrain from lecturing on yeast ecology every time someone misuses the word “ale.”

 

 

 

 

___ . . . remember that sweet potato fries can also be made with regular potatoes.

 

___ . . . calm down about vodka martinis. Seriously.

 

___ . . . do not tell roommates that the apartment’s distance from the nearest raw bar is a “deal breaker.”

 

___ . . . limit brunch to twice per week.

 

___ . . . stop teaching nieces & nephews that milk chocolate is a “perversion.”

 

___ . . . remove “Longtime CSA Subscriber” from résumé.

 

___ . . . get through a whole burger without mentioning that Kobe beef tasting last weekend.

 

___ . . . stop drinking Brandy Alexanders ironically.

 

___ . . . try normal lettuce.