Posted on July 20th, 2012
So you love your CSA, but let’s get real: things get a little crazy midsummer. Your farmer starts piling on the patty pan squashes and daikon radishes like you’re a large exotic herbivore. The guilt you feel as you watch brown goo ooze from the vegetable drawer you’re afraid to open soon yields to anger and recrimination. Do the farmers actually eat five pounds of purple top turnips in a week? You saw those assholes getting Chinese take out last night! Do the adorable Carhartt-clad apprentices breakfast on loaf after loaf of zucchini bread accompanied by zucchini pancakes with a side of zucchini chutney? Maybe one of them is still in the “Are you just going to THROW THAT AWAY?” phase, but you know most of those bucolic brats are living in a dream world of strawberry smoothies, baby carrots, and limitless sungold cherry tomatoes!
So, farmer-supporting locavore, what should you do with your vegetative badge of honor, your cellulose cross to bear? Here are some pro tips:
Mizuna, Tat soi, Komatsuna, and sundry Asian greens: Puree with olive oil and garlic. Bitches will call anything pesto these days, use this to your advantage. Take to a potluck with julienned radishes and pickling cukes for maximum CSA share mileage.
Kohlrabi: Makes an excellent vessel for smoking marijuana! Choose the biggest one in the bunch, get out your pocketknife, and carve yourself a cute little bowl. Bonus – it’s biodegradable!
Turnips: Paperweights. Slice for coasters.
Tomatoes: You know when you have something you NEED to deal with, but don’t really have the time to do it yet, so you just shove it in a drawer or closet, just for now? That plan doesn’t usually work with fresh produce. Unless you have enemies. Try stashing a few big, ripe heirloom tomatoes in your ex’s deck furniture, your boss’s office, or if you work in retail, your least favorite customer’s unlocked car.
Collard Greens: Toilet paper.
Zucchini: Organic, cruelty free, compostable dildo. Optional baling twine harness. Certified orgasmic!
Garlic Scapes: Single-use drain snakes.
Remember, friends: nobody said being on the front lines of the food revolution would be easy. But with an open mind, a strong stomach, and a touch of moral laxity, you can work that farm share. May the cherry tomatoes be ever in your favor.