Posted on June 24th, 2011
1. When traveling by bus, you should strive to achieve a buzz that allows you to easily amuse yourself with the passing license plates. For example, pack a cleverly-disguised amount of The Good Doctor and enjoy while trying to make personal ad abbreviations out of license plate numbers. “LNT 30F” is a total gimmie, obviously standing for “Loves Nipple Twists, 30 F.” Something like “860 YFJ” will probably require a few extra sips before you arrive at “860 lbs, Yearning For Jam.” If that’s too depressing, go with “owns 860 pairs of Yellow Fluorescent Jeans.”
2. If you find yourself stuck in a particularly bad airport– say, LAX– for over 10 hours, recite the Serenity Prayer while making a beeline for the nearest bar. Strike up a conversation with the person next to you and let it slip that your flight leaves around 11pm– nine short hours from now. Your new friend will be so moved by your plight that, upon abandoning you to catch their flight, they might offer to buy you another drink. Now for a tip within a tip: don’t let more than two additional people buy you drinks. You might get so drunk on terrible red wine that you try to bribe the bartender to bum you a cigarette and let you outside the airport through a “secret door” (there has to be a secret door) to smoke it. If this does end up happening to you, try to think of a better bribe than sliding a couple triangles of duty free Toblerone across the bar on a napkin note. Trust me.
3. Q: What do the TSA and most cocktail recipes have in common? A: Ounces! Just as most volumes in a typical cocktail recipe are listed in ounces, the TSA restricts your amount of carry-on liquids to a single quart-sized plastic bag stuffed with 3.4oz containers of liquid. They even tell you that this can Make Your Trip Better— so why not take them up on that possibility? Pack as many cocktail ingredients as you’d like into a clear plastic zip-top bag, and whip up some drinks in Economy that those in First Class know they can’t have. A Negroni, perhaps, to accompany your tiny bag of pretzels. A Manhattan to get you through “Tron: Legacy.” Stirred drinks are more subtle, but if you’re feeling on top of the world you should pack a small shaker as well. I was given a small plastic one as a lagniappe alongside a bottle of Cointreau, and it is quieter to shake and more innocent-looking than a metal one. If your row mate looks uncomfortable, offer to make him/her a drink! Tell them you squeezed the citrus fresh this morning, and that you use agave syrup in your whiskey sours.